It’s one of the most frustrating phrases people facing infertility hear: “Why don’t you just get IVF?”
While often well-meaning, the statement oversimplifies a deeply personal, complex and sometimes painful journey. It assumes IVF is a one-size-fits-all solution, ignoring medical limitations, access, cost, success rates and the emotional toll of treatment.
It can also reinforce a broader problem: infertility conversations often put the practical and emotional work disproportionately onto women, even though fertility problems can involve male factors, female factors, both, or remain unexplained.
IVF isn’t always an option
The cost and access
In England, local Integrated Care Boards make final decisions about NHS-funded IVF. NICE guidance recommends three full cycles for eligible people under 40, but local eligibility and provision can still vary. For private treatment, the HFEA says one IVF cycle costs about £5,000 on average, with additional costs possible.
The medical reality
IVF is not a guaranteed fix. Outcomes vary with age, the cause of fertility problems and other individual factors. HFEA data for 2024 showed average birth rates per embryo transferred were highest in younger patients and fell substantially with age.
The emotional toll
IVF can involve hormone treatment, scans, procedures, waiting and repeated uncertainty. For many people it brings hope and grief into the same month.
It is not the only path
IVF may be right for some people and not for others. Donor conception, adoption, surrogacy, other fertility treatments, continuing to try without IVF, or choosing a life without children are all deeply personal decisions.
The gendered burden of infertility
Infertility is not just a medical issue. The appointments, tracking, treatments, questions from other people and emotional labour can all add up. Women often undergo more of the invasive parts of fertility treatment even where the underlying cause is not female-factor infertility.
That does not mean men are unaffected. Male infertility deserves its own conversation, and semen analysis is a standard part of fertility assessment.
The point is not to shift blame from one partner to another. It is to stop treating fertility as one person’s responsibility.
The “just relax” myth
People facing infertility are still told to stop thinking about it, take a holiday or “just relax”. Stress can affect wellbeing, sex, sleep and how somebody experiences treatment, but infertility is a medical issue and should not be reduced to somebody failing to stay calm enough.
That kind of advice can turn an already difficult situation into another thing to feel responsible for.
What needs to change
- Stop offering quick fixes. Instead of “just get IVF”, ask what support the person actually wants.
- Recognise that infertility affects everyone involved. Assessment and emotional support should include both partners where relevant.
- Be clearer about access and cost. NHS funding varies locally and private treatment plans should be fully costed.
- Prioritise mental health. NICE quality standards say counselling should be offered before, during and after fertility investigation and treatment.
- Respect different family-building choices. IVF is one option, not a moral obligation or guaranteed outcome.
Infertility deserves more than quick fixes
Telling someone to “just get IVF” dismisses the complexity of infertility and the emotional, physical and financial weight it can carry. Better support starts with listening and allowing people to make informed decisions about their own path.
There is no single correct way to navigate infertility, and nobody owes other people an explanation for the choices they make.
Sources
NHS: IVF
HFEA: In vitro fertilisation
NICE NG257: Fertility problems
